Daisey from How I Live Now
Alfred from The Contender
Almost 2:00, can not be late. I rushed out the door, ran down my stairs and sprinted down the main street, straight to the gym. The sweat was dripping down his forehead straight into his eyes, his blinks were slow and burned. Just as one eye was shut he couldn't see where exactly he was going, Boom! Alfred landed straight down on his butt along with a girl.
“I’m so very sorry are you ok?” said alfred
“ I am fine” she said in a stutterd way.
Both got up and stood there just looking, her leg was bleeding, not a lot but not a little.
“Here come with me”
I took her hand and guided her to the gym. I'm surprised she actually trusted me, you can’t really trust anyone these days. Pulled out the keys, unlocked the door and turned on the lights to the gym.
“I’m Daisey, I just moved down here from Ireland. I lived in New York a long time ago and I don’t really have anywhere to stay.”
Hopefully she didn't notice that shocked look on my face. Guess I didn't think someone I just ran into would tell me there life story out of the blue. It was kind of nice being able to be trusted by a complete stranger that hasn't lived here for a while, and did I mention to different skin tones. I pulled out the first aid kit and started to clean off the blood using these non-stinging antibacterial wipes.
“Does that hurt, even a little?”
“It hurts a lot.”
Looking at Daisey's face expressions you can tell it was hard for her not to cry, like she was embarrassed or frightened that I was going to say something for it.
“My name is Alfred, Alfred Brookes, as you can see i'm a boxer, I started not too long ago and i've loved it ever since. I live with my aunt, just a couple blocks away.”
I put the band aid on her leg and let her walk around a little to observe this crazy situation.
“Where exactly were you heading Daisey?”
“I'm not really sure, I just thought I would walk around. I got a call from my mean stepmother saying that my father died about a week ago, so thats leaving me with her and we do not get along.”
Wondering why I have this feeling in my stomach. Is it a romantic feeling, a guilt feeling, a scared feeling, i'm not really sure. She gave me a look like it was time for her to take off and find wherever she needed to go.
“Alfred, thank you so much for healing my cut, it was very nice of you but i think i'm going to go find where I belong.”
“Are you sure you're ok? Here let me give you some money and a map of the city.”
“Wow, thank you for all of this, really but I should go, bye”
“Bye Daisey, it was nice meeting you.”
i didnt even read it.. but i has to be good(:
ReplyDelete1. After reading this I planned on reading The Contender. I liked you story and I thought it was very visual. It make me think about Alfred and how his boxing experiences were. I guess this means I will be reading The Contender. (=
ReplyDelete2. I didn't find a clear setting but, I like how your Introduction was detailed, "The sweat was dripping down his forehead straight into his eyes, his blinks were slow and burned". I think you made it very visual.
3. The characters conversation was authentic and flowed nicely. The way they talked seemed very real, like a conversation someone could have in a real life situation.
4. I didn't find and distracting but next time you could describe the setting more.
The story was well put together. The characters mixed perfectly from my prespective. Sounds like the beggining to any ramantic novel. You mixed the contender`s plot well with the other book you chose. The only problem i saw was that in the beginning of the story, you switched from 1st person to 3rd and vise versa. Just watch out for that next time. Other wise this was well put together. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteI like how the story flowed together, and that the characters seemed as if they were real, and this was a real situation. The story made me think about something that might happen in a big city with a lot of people, always bumping into each other. It was good (:
ReplyDeleteI believe that this story was very well put together . After reading it, I felt very touched & moved by the way these characters were interacting with each other . It sounds like the beginning to a very good book :) I also feel like the plot was very well described . The conversation between the two characters was very moving & romantic . I didn't really find anything distracting about this story . I felt is was very well ! Good Job Ari :)
ReplyDelete1. After i read this i want it to be longer.this made me imagine the story in my head. This story made think about how real it seemed and visual.
ReplyDelete2.the intro was really well described. you used strong elements of description throughout the story.i really liked" Looking at Daisey's face expressions you can tell it was hard for her not to cry, like she was embarrassed or frightened that I was going to say something for it." it was nice, i loved it you knew what they were both thinking.
3.This story was really authentic and vary original. The character really seemed more real with the dialogue. i don't think there is anything that would make this story better it is perfect just the way it is.
4.The only thing i found distracting was that as maritza said the setting you could of explained it better but therwise it was really nice and great job on the story.
1. I thought the story was really good and i could imagine the city. The story made me think about the book How I Live Now.
ReplyDelete2. "The sweat was dripping down his forehead straight into his eyes, his blinks were slow and burned. Just as one eye was shut he couldn't see where exactly he was going" I thought this was a very good description in the beginning of the story and described what was happening to Alfred really well.
3.The dialogue between Alfred and Daisy was very real. It was a conversation that two people would have with each other.
4.The only thing is that you could of explained the setting a little more. But your story was still really good(: